Writing my mind

First of all, I like to thank SuspiciousBastard for agreeing to guest blog for me.

During my absence, which isn't really long, I've thought about some matters during lonely bus journeys home and experienced a few stuffs which provided good material to write about.

Warning, this post is extremely long in my opinion but apparently, some of my readers love it I don't know why. Oh well, here goes...

I have a group of friends whom I only meet once a year. Sure I used to belong to that group. We used to meet up almost every week. As the years go by, the meetup frequency decreases as I have my own own commitments to meet.

I've been thinking about it. Why do I even bother meeting up with these friends that I hardly see or talk to? What do I even say when I meet up with them? I can't talk cock with them as though I'm talking to my close friends because I have no idea how sensitive they are if I say something offending.

So whats left? Army life? I had enough about army talk already thank you very much. I also know that if one day you and your friends start talking about army life, you know that there is nothing left to talk about between you guys.

And thats only the first tier. Heres the second.

Every year as I meet up with them, I can't help but notice that I am drifting apart. Plenty of new faces and the conversations they talked about revolves around their activities. Apparently, they meet up with each other other than the annual meetups and had pulled in a few new friends along the way.

I feel like a stranger in the midst.

Given this kind of situation, why am I still being invited to the annual meetups nowadays? If the meetup was to take place in a BBQ session, am I just there to share the burden of the cost of the BBQ? I don't know.

Anyway, I've concluded that I'm prefer being alone. Its just that I'm so used to going out alone already. When I'm out alone, I need not worry about schedules to meet, what movie to watch, how long I spend inside an arcade, where and what to to eat.

The only setback about being alone is that I can't have anyone reserving the seat while I make my order during meal times. That is why I usually eat during the off peak hours, where the seats find me and not vice versa.

When I'm out with someone else or with a group, I have to go with the flow. Schedules to meet at a precise time, dinner at a special place, watching a certain movie, partying at a particular club. Its all for the sake of enjoying as a group.

So if you are enjoying yourself, you speak for the rest and conclude that everyone is enjoying themselves as a group? So now what? Am I included in just to fill in the numbers? Making it seem that the group is very big and oh so happening?

Till now, I still disagree. If I don't like the time/dinner venue/movie/club, how will I enjoy myself? If I don't go to these gathering with friends, I'm labelled a wet blanket. So am I supposed to turn up and pretend to be enjoying myself for your sake?

Don't get me wrong. I am not a wet blanket. Everyone needs friends in their life. I do not dislike group gatherings. Its just prefer lone excursions. I would also like to emphasise that one need not have a big group to be enjoy. Even a group of two or three can have a fun time, as long ALL parties are so enthusiastic about the dinner venue/movie/club etc etc.

So lets just say that I go with a group of friends to a club where I'm ok with it but not so comfortable with. What can I do? Drink, dance, chitchat with my friends or play pool. I don't pick up girls in a club after some unfortunate incident which is another total topic altogether.

Anyway, I can't drink much because I get high and merlion easily. So drinking is out.

I can't really dance when its a club where I can't really get into the groove of the music. So dancing is out.

I can't chitchat much with my friends because of the loud music. So chitchatting is out.

I can't play pool because after drinking, my aiming goes off target and its a waste of money. So playing pool is out.

So the next best thing is to just mind my own business and ogle at the girls.

When I'm in that mode, people say that I look bored and not enjoying myself when I really am. Being a Lecherous Monk, I can't expect to be showing my lust to every good looking girl I see right? I have my dignity and pride to protect too you know?

Because I'm neither good with words nor a good conversationalist, when a girl (friend or otherwise) comes over and talks to me, I won't be able to entertain her because I can't hold the conversation. In time, she gets bored and hops on to another male.

I've noticed that it is usually the humourous and the talkatives who usually gets a girl's attention.

Girls like guys who can make them laugh. Who doesn't? I like girls who can make me laugh too.

But being the introvert/boring sort, theres no way I can amuse a girl. With a character and personality like that, what hope did I ever have in ever finding a girlfriend in the first place?

I know she is out there somewhere. But I can't be bothered anymore. Let her find me instead!

Que Sera Sera,
Whatever Will Be Will Be.